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Friday, September 29th, 2006
11:44 pm - why is it
That I really want to cry right now but cant? Its like i have 100000 pent up emotions in me that just wont come out.
Why is it that whenever i think of something sweet it always turns sour.
Do androids dream of electric sheep?
maybe i shall ask
night night

current mood: contemplative

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11:44 pm - why is it
That I really want to cry right now but cant? Its like i have 100000 pent up emotions in me that just wont come out.
Why is it that whenever i think of something sweet it always turns sour.
Do androids dream of electric sheep?
maybe i shall ask
night night

(comment on this)

Monday, August 14th, 2006
12:14 am - sometimes
I want to be devoid of all emotion
-no fellings
-no tears
-nothing
im sick of crying
sick of dying on the inside while smiling on the outside.
today has been a day full of tears and fake smiles. it has left me comepletely exhausted. I have forgotten how completely exhausting it is to act happy.
I havent updated this thing in ages but i think i will start again.
heres to new beginings.

current mood: exhausted

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Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
8:18 am - do this
If you read this, even if we do not speak often,
Comment with one memory of me.
It can be anything you want, good or bad.
Just as long as it happened.
Then post this on your livejournal to see what other people remember about you.

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Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
11:02 pm
Leave your name and
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

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Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
5:08 pm - emery
It’s like a pencil with erasers at both ends
I want it all but we’re dealing in percents
And these activities that you have engaged in
This is the politics of seeing you dance with him
We began with concluding remarks
Pick up the pieces and examine the parts
Your words always cut when they're cliché
But here’s my knife because I came for the buffet


This is the way it goes
With you a part of it
Nervously saying words
That oh-so-tightly fit
A mark beneath the chin (Uh Uh)
I’ve caught you once again
It’s in the way you sell every word and phrase
And leaving me to know how much the meaning weighs
Saying that but meaning this (Uh Uh)
Using hands for emphasis
(Oh Ho)


You’d like to think that you’re the best part of me
But I confess there is nothing left of you here (nothing left of you here)
These parallels and silly games
Hide your face and say the name
Say the name (say the name)


This is the way it goes
With you a part of it
Nervously saying words
That oh-so-tightly fit
A mark beneath the chin (Uh Uh)
And I’ve caught you once again
It’s in the way you sell every word and phrase
And leaving me to know how much the meaning weighs
Saying that but meaning this (Uh Uh)
Your tears for emphasis

There’s that smile again (there’s that smile again)
You fake it and I follow you right in
What a fool I've been
To fall for it each time


This is the way it goes
With you a part of it
Nervously saying words
That oh-so-tightly fit
It’s in the way you sell every word and phrase
And leaving me to know how much the meaning weighs
This is the way it goes
With you a part of it
Nervously saying words
That oh-so-tightly fit
It’s in the way you sell every word and phrase
And leaving me to know how much the meaning weighs
(Oh Ho)

Black Dress and your eyes are telling white white lies
White white lies
Black Dress and your eyes are telling white white lies
White white lies

soooo sooo good. go listen to this song now its called studying poitics.

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Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
1:34 pm

Chaotic-Good

66% Good, 64% Chaotic

Plane of Existence: Arborea, "Arvandor, Olympus, Olympian Glades". Notable Inhabitants: Titans & gods of Greek mythology; Eladrin.




Examples of Chaotic-Goods (Ethically Chaotic, Morally Good)




Captain Kirk

Robin Hood

Thomas Jefferson

Oscar Wilde

Peregrin Took

Jim Hawkins

Austin Powers

Walt Whitman

Zorro

Han Solo

The Flash




Unwilling to be governed by the laws and desires of any group.
Interacts with others on a one-to-one basis and, within such bounds,
follows the good ethic of upholding rights. The stereotypical
chaotic-good [person] is the white knight who refuses to join any group
and goes about on his/her own, doing good.




Will keep their word to others of good alignment

Would not attack an unarmed foe

Will not use poison

Will help those in need

Prefers to work alone

Responds poorly to higher authority

Distrustful of organizations



Chaotic Good

"Rebel"




A chaotic good [person] acts as his conscience directs him with
little regard for what others expect of him. He is kind and benevolent,
a strong individualist hostile to the claims of rules, regulations, and
social order. He hates it when people try to intimidate others and tell
them what to do. He will actively work to bring down unjust rulers and
organizations and to liberate the oppressed. He finds lawful societies
distasteful and will avoid them, often living as a nomad or hermit. The
best example of a chaotic good [person] is one of the benevolent rogue
who steals from the rich and gives to the poor.



Chaotic good combines a good heart with a free spirit.



Other Alignments and Tendencies (Tendenices are what you would more often sway towards; esp. for Neutrals):

0-39% Good, 0-39% Chaotic: Lawful-Evil

0-39% Good, 40-60% Chaotic: Neutral-Evil

0-39% Good, 61-100% Chaotic: Chaotic-Evil

40-60% Good, 0-39% Chaotic: Lawful-Neutral

40-60% Good, 40-60% Chaotic: True Neutral

40-60% Good, 61-100% Chaotic: Chaotic-Neutral

61-100% Good, 0-39% Chaotic: Lawful-Good

61-100% Good, 40-60% Chaotic: Neutral-Good












My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 48% on Good
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 83% on Chaotic




Link: The Alignment Test written by xan81 on Ok Cupid

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Sunday, September 18th, 2005
11:38 pm - games
are for little kids.
they are not to be played with my mind/heart.
i learned a valuble lesson this weekend
painfull but valuble.
soon soon soon
i will dissapear from everyone except noemi
soon soon sooon
i will leave everyone behind and i will not look back because i have been hurt too much to care.
emptiness has taken over any part of me that had any feeling left
i havent even been able to cry
its all just bottled up inside.
hmm perhaps perhaps perhaps one day ill explode.

current mood: frustrated

(1 comment | comment on this)

1:53 pm
I've had hard time thinking
I've had the hardest fall
I'm drowning and now I'm sinking into it all
Remember the words of someone
Someone I used to know
Love everyone but keep them
Far from your soul

those lyrics havent meant more then they do now.
im sick of keeping people close to my soul sometimes its just not worth it.

current mood: restless

(comment on this)

1:10 pm
somehow i feel like the assshole in all this.
but this weekend has been great so far and now i gotta go get the laundry and then shower and hop on the bus back to the city to meet juliet. we talked till 5 am last night about old times and how badly we screwd out bodies over and how long the healing process is. she put a lot of things in to perspective for me as she always seems to do. so i woke up at 830 got dressed and took the train to school and now im home. i havent slept away from home in ages it felt weard.
ill miss her when shes gone again.
ok i got stuff to do i want to catch the next bus

current mood: frustrated

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Thursday, September 15th, 2005
1:46 pm - random ours lyrics just cuz i feel like it
I've had hard time thinking
I've had the hardest fall
I'm drowning and now I'm sinking into it all
Remember the words of someone
Someone I used to know
Love everyone but keep them
Far from your soul


Everyone passes on and believes in what they want to
If we heal, we can feel something that we didn't want to
There's a sign for the time, you can read it if you want to
Or everyone will become, Numb
They're falling....


Oh no feels like I'm falling
Away from myself
Outside feels like it's calling
Calling....


If I could find a way
I'd suffer all of your pain

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1:52 am - i need
to start distancing myself
startin NOW

current mood: nauseated

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Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
10:49 pm - one of the things that makes me the happiest
is rediscovering music that i have not heard in ages. especially when i realize that it is amazing and how its almost like a new band but yet its not lol. does that make sence?
it makes it even better when you find out the band just came out with a new album and you go to download it but you gotta leave. then when you get home its all done and you get to listen to great music. it is such an amazing feeling. so great that im excited about something for the first time in what seems like weeks.
or maybe the prozac is kicking in and im just beeing stupid.
but who knows
all i know is that last night i fell in love with dredg all over again and i smiled.

current mood: excited

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4:36 pm - i love love love music
Canyon Behind Her

Does anybody feel this way
Does anybody feel like I do
Does anybody feel this way
Does anybody feel like I do

I built a wall
It stretched one thousand miles
Set it off
(Massacre)
It's holding up the roof
Breast feed your heart
Set it off

I saw a distant port
With no water to support
Burning the bridge between

Does anybody feel this way
Does anybody feel like I do
Does anybody feel this way
Does anybody feel like I do

Never content nor satisfied
Tensions of self
The massacre changed history
Borderline paranoia
Yelling at their own rights
Set it off

Does anybody feel this way
Does anybody feel like I do
Though half of me is gone
The lonesome heart is there

I cannot find the other half
I cannot find the other half
I cannot find the other half
I cannot find the other half

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9:47 am
i really need to distance myself from everything.
i just need to dissapear for a lil while.
im really thikning of just shutting myself off to the world.
i think i need that solitude for a lil while
i hate this feeling.
im going to go do something

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Monday, September 12th, 2005
10:56 pm
another update. woohoo
this feels odd but it is something i need to do. i need to get used to this idea of beeing alone its been way too long since ive done that. i need to stand on my own two feet no matter how hard that might be. i have to constantly remind myself that i am strong and can get through anything. i think i just need to prove to myself that i dont need a guy around. i cant wait till friday for some more drunken fun. i want to go sit on my fire escape smoke ciggarettes and think about the world but i gotta go out and get girly stuff. good thing theres a 24 hour rx by my house.
things will get better
and if not well then they will get worse
only time will tell
maybe im rambeling cuz i have my period or maybe this is just such a new thing for me i dont know how to deal with it.

current mood: blank

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10:22 pm - i love music
I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

current mood: drained

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Friday, September 9th, 2005
3:42 am - Girls
When he leaves
He leaves a space,
a big or litle airless place
that begs to be filled.
A part of the weekend that says
What are you going to do now?

And you think if you fill it up
you'll survive
so you work and clean and call
and cook and write and drink
and read and sleep and shop
and say this is fine this is fine
you can do this

Laugh and go out drinking
with your friends when its over.
call everyone you know and say
whatever.
shrug, clear your throat.

Its kind of like loosing a dog.
you'll miss him
but maybe its better this way.

His friends are still your friends
sometimes
and they watch you
because they send him messages
about how your doing.
sometimes they figure now is their chance
and they tell you they've always had it bad
for you

be carefull with his friends.

So cut your hair
and learn to play guitar.
walk fast and yell back
at bike messangers who tell you
what theyd do to you
if you were theirs.

stop wearing his coat and sell his cd's
white out his name in your address book
buy new perfume and learn to masturbate
with the shower head.
turn the pain in to something you can use.

And when it feels like your imploding,
like your the only one
who wants to lie down in the street,
know that there will always be girls
who stream through this city
with their mouths slightly open
trying to breath
and waiting to be kissed.

-Nicole Blackman.

current mood: indescribable

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Thursday, September 8th, 2005
10:22 am - words
im sick of empty words empty promises empty everything.
and for the most part thats what words are empty. a lot people tell you what you want to hear and then go and just do the opposite. i realized that people dont change. they may realize things but in the end it all works out the same. i need to find a truth behind words and lately thats just not happening and i dont think i want to deal with that anymore. i cant live life constantly wondering if what people are saying is genuine. blah. screw words i want to see some actions.

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Friday, August 26th, 2005
1:45 am - poetry
sometimes I feel like I'm sittin' in the back row of Barbie and Ken 101
a class we are all in, but never seem to learn from
Some general ed requirement for
Students of American culture
A GE that convinces even the brightest
of young women that sex is survival of the thinnest
and I'm sick of this education that doesn't serve our best interests
my teacher has no face
she is every Revelon model women have ever chased
her lectures come through magazines in beauty shops & add campaigns,
shit
just turn on your tv
this just in, a skewed perspective for todays youth y'al ladies aint thin enough, fellas aint trim
enough, wanna be sexy?
Y'al don't go to the gym enough, cut to commercial, common just come tune
in to our maintenance team, convince you're ugly then tell you how to fix it with maybeline
Perpetually started by these dolls marketed in the late 50's named
Barbie and Ken
hence the
class I'm in
Are you following?
Shit didn't end
They keep moldin' Barbie to fit new trends
next maybe they'll have club hoppin' Barbie
With thongs as accessories
video hoe Barbie
abusive boyfriend sold separately
underaged Barbie
Cobey Bryant included
or 9/11 victim Barbie
and Ken is proud to get recruited
problem is all these teachings are womans decay
and I'm startin' to worry cuz my girl is up front and she's getting an A
this is where I start getting pissed off ok
when the f**k did it become all about
tuckin' in the gutt I gotta get the bigger breast
shit I wanna fit a little better in a dress
so let me get a little skinny gotta fit into an itty bitty
size slimmer so I livin up the chest
please
teacher teacher I wanna give my oral presentation
cuz I have a problem with the class, and matter of fact, I have, a fat ass grudge with the
whole administration
you're the reason my girl won't eat in front of me in restaurants

the reason that she thinks she's overweight in over ten spots
less gut less pudge less lunch less real, more looks more love more Barbie
appeal?
f**k Barbie and Ken
My future daughter will never play with them
you're the reason bleedin' 15 year old girls arms are slit
You made 12 year olds think skinny was a compliment
And now it's too late
I can't write my way through this bathroom door
So I raise my hand in class cuz I can't stand it any more
Teacher teacher your lectures all backwards
You got mothers and daughters forgetting what matters
Cuz above tits, ass, lips, legs, and ugs
The most attractive women are the ones who don't give a f**k
So screw your teachings your lessons and plans
You skewed sick distant relative of the man
Your plan for brainwashin' my baby I reject
I'm walkin' out of this class, and I will proudly take, my F
_Rafael Casal (a 19 year old male) one of the most amazing poems i have heard in a long time. i need to start writing again.

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